Ignorance May Be Bliss, But Knowledge Is Power.

I know I’m, not the only one looking around in horror.  We (The Human Race) have completely screwed ourselves over, and over again. Since the beginning of time, this nonsense has been going on far to long. You would think that at some point we would start listening to the historians that have been trying to get us to realize this for millennia now. We “The People” have to WAKE UP! People have to start doing some research for themselves and stop blindly believing every lie that’s fed to them. Ignorance is bliss, but Knowledge is power. I want to help spread the knowledge that most people so blindly ignore . Whether they just don’t care, never realized, or have just been to busy with their head up their ass.  I want every person to start fact checking their life. Start asking questions!

We are leaving this mess to our kids, there are some that  believe these are the “end of days” etc…. I don’t know about all that, but I do know that I have personally been one of the blissfully ignorant for longer than I’d like to admit. It’s time to grow up and wake up to my surroundings. I am very ashamed to admit that I am politically ignorant. I’d never been interested before, I had more important things to worry about etc…. Now of course here I am 30 years old, never voted, clueless, and wondering how the Hell we’ve let everything get so bad. With no one to blame, but myself. There is one thing I can say I have learned since I started paying attention

“They” are distracting us. I don’t know the correct name for “they”  there’s more than one enemy in this for sure, but I fully believe “they” are using all this crap going on to keep us from paying attention to what they are doing in the background. They are turning us on each other in hopes that we will destroy each other (ourselves). Basically were doing the dirty work for them and letting them prosper from our demise.

I’ve been blessed recently to actually have the time to do more research into things, as well as focus on my interest and passions for the first time in a long time. I don’t want to waste any of it, I want to be a part of the solution. If I can encourage just one person to start looking closer at what’s going on around them a day , and that person does that same, imagine the domino effect we will have. All is not lost, this world is in bad shape right now , but we can turn it around , together.

Sleepless Night/ Life Choices 

That moment, you’re so tired, your eyes are starting to feel crusty and water. Your mind just won’t shut up. What do you do? Read a book? To tired. Call someone and talk it out? No one answers……so I write, hoping to ease my restless mind and finally be able to peacefully slumber. So here I am, I really don’t even know what it is keeping me up. Or maybe its that there’s so much I need to deal with that I don’t even know how to begin. I really think that’s it. My life is an utter disaster, and a beautiful beginning, But its soooooo much better than it used to be ……. that’s confusing even to me. I feel like I’m a caterpillar in a cocoon at this moment in my life, I can look it the totality  of my past and see how I used to be as the caterpillar, insecure, I felt helpless, I felt so small and meaningless, all these things that haven’t gone right, these jobs, these people that have come into my life the last couple of years, I’ve grown so much, and they have all been a part of my cocoon, each and every experience I’ve been through or person ive met have served as a layer of my cocoon. Protecting me and molding me, and my cocoon is slowly breaking off piece by piece. I’m going to have to break free for the butterfly to come out and I think that’s where I am right now. I’m starting to poke my head out of the cocoon. I’m coming out just a little a time, and I’m not sure what’s in here yet guys, y’all better watch out. I have so many Ideas, dreams, and passions. I’m at a point in my life for the first time ever that I am able to actually change my course and I get to choose the direction, I want to go . I don’t have the first what I want to focus on ……so instead im standing like a deer in headlights , to scared to move . I think a better alternative is to at least try a little of each and see where it leads …..

Memories

So at work the other day I overheard a conversation between two gentleman. One in his upper 60’s and the younger in his lower 20’s and the younger guy was telling him about a memory from when he was in like 2nd grade. The older gentleman made a comment about how he wished he could remember things like that , that he doesn’t remember anything from when he was a child anymore.
This made me think of my own childhood memories I have very mixed memories good and bad. Both my parents died when I was 18, and there’s some things I don’t really remember all the way . It’s kind of fuzzy and there’s no one for me to ask , I can’t be like “hey Dad you remember such and such?” “what happened?” Etc… and i feel as if ive been jiped .
I definitely want to make sure I try to focus on remembering as much as I can about every moment. You have to hang on to them before they pass , so that you have them for later to look back on. I’ve learned that lesson the hard way. I am sure theres plenty ive forgotten that my parents could have helped fill in the gaps . But I am lucky enough that i do still remember 2nd grade etc…. myself.
This also brings to mind how much i want my children to have lots of wonderful memories to look back on as well . Its up to me to help create them . Im trying to build traditions for our family, our own unique traditions in hopes that my children will pass them on to thier children and so on and in the process maybe remember a bit too . Every moment is a chance to create a new memory with them. Its exciting and terrifying at the same time what if I created the wrong ones etc… im human, as my parents were . I know ive made plenty of mistakes and I will definitely make more. Even that could be turned into a learning opportunity for myself and them. Thats how it should be every mistake is a learning experience. Every day is a chance to create and cherish those wonderful memories.

The ramblings of an overprotective mom.

So I have decided this is how I’m going to explain things to the kids from now on.  They are mine, they are my babies,  they will always be my babies,  and right now they are under my care, it is my job to take care of them, to protect them to keep anyone from hurting them, or from them hurting themselves.  Until I think they can take care of themselves, they will remain my responsibility.  So when my daughter starts getting mad and stomping up to her room, because I won’t let her walk down the block to a friends house, (I don’t know the friends parents)  I have to explain this to her. And once I do finally have that trust in her if she hurts herself or lets herself gets hurt by someone else, then I’m going to have to whoop her butt for letting my baby get hurt.  Does that make sense?

Killing myself

A friend of mine shared a picture on facebook the other day that kind of struck a chord with me. I’ve decided to attempt to do it this year instead of the usual New Year’s resolutions, maybe this year I can finally just kill off all those bad habits once and for all, and end this battle that I have going on within myself.

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All of the things that I would like to just kill off about myself, that I want to exist no longer. I need to grow up and mature past these things. Like a  caterpillar into a butterfly, I’ve got to finally shed that old skin and claim my new self. I’m going to have to be completely honest with myself.

Fear, I never really understood how much fear has effected my life. There are so many thing I never bothered to even try because I didnt want to embarrass myself. What could have been if I’d been brave enough to tryout to be a cheer leader in Middle school? I bet I would have lived a much different life if I’d been one of “those” girls. Would I have turned out better? Thinner I bet, I’d be more fit etc….. But I may have turned out to be a snobby heart less twit. Would I still have the same cares and priorities in life that I do now?

What if I got up the balls to really try to get a promotion. I could maybe one day make some good money or maybe that would start a path to another opportunity I don’t see yet. Or to finally

What if I hadn’t been to scared to ever dance. So terrified of what I’d look like and how embarrassed I’d be. I almost feel like I’ve never allowed myself to truly let go and be myself. I honestly don’t know who I am.

Hatred/Anger , I have so much built up hatred. I hold grudges for far to long. There are still people that hurt me in elementary school I think of from time to time and feel that pain and hatred wash over me all over again as if it were fresh. This is not healthy I don’t want to live the remainder of my life letting fear and hatred lead my path. Forgiveness is something I’ve yet to learn. I’m going to have to conquer it or this is going to slowly eat my soul.

Gluttony
I allow myself to over indulge way to much. I’m only hurting myself by telling myself I deserve or have earned 2 slices instead of 1 of the pie etc….. What I deserve is a body and life I’m proud of, only I can make it happen. Nobody can hold my hand and make me do it.

Communicating with my loved ones is sometimes my biggest challenge. I have such negative self talk already that I live in fear of anyone else pointing out my flaws. ( right back to Fear!) It makes me feel like all those things that flow through my head in my darkest hours are actually true. I have spent my every waking moment trying to prevent these things from becoming real. When someone else says something that comes even a little bit close to what I’m already telling myself, I freak the hell out a little bit. It’s not rational. It’s that it just can’t be true, I can’t have lost the battle to be better, to finally be good enough. To make a long story short I just don’t take criticism well. Something else I would like to do away with about myself.

This can’t be just about killing off all of my bad habits /traits . I have to decide who I want to be, who am I really. If I wasn’t scared and angry all the time and actually believed in myself, what would I want to spend the rest of my life doing? It really is up to me, how happy I let myself be, verses how miserable I make myself. Why the hell am I making myself miserable when I have the choice to try for better, to put myself out there in every aspect of my life, and just fucking do it already. Why hang back in the shadows green with envy watching everyone pass you by when I could join in the Journey, and, enjoy it even. What’s the worst that can happen, nothing can be worse than never knowing myself. The journey is where ill learn those important things about myself. I could be truly great, but even if im not the next Mother Teresa, or the first women President, it can’t be worst than where I started.

2016 Goals

Face my fears slowly but surely. Step up and Stand out, let my voice be heard instead of being a scared little girl, I’ve got to put my big girl panties on and Chang my life before I let another opportunity pass.

I need to learn to let go of my anger, and learn to forgive. I’m only hurting myself holding in to every childish memory. I’m letting the ones that are trying to break me win by giving in to this. I have to overcome so many things in my past. So that I can continue on my journey.

Im going to learn to Communicate with others about my flaws without becoming defensive. My loved ones only want to help and god knows I need all the help I can get, right.

I won’t sit back in the shadows this year, I’m going to reach for the stars and make the things I’ve always been to scared to hope for happen! Even if things don’t turn out the way I hope I’ll be closer than ever before and better prepared for my next Journey.

RIP Paula of 2015

Looking forward to meeting the 2016 edition 😉

My Top 3 Fears 😨

I have been challenged to admit my top 3 worst fears , and to not only admit what they are but to try to explain why I am scared of these things , etc… This is supposedly therapeutic. 😕

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#1 Death.
Yup I know this is pretty normal …. But Im afraid of all things death related bodies ,spirits, etc … My then 10 year old girl had to pick up a dead mouse for me once because I couldn’t do it. I think this has to do with how much death and loss I had at an rather early age . I’m terrified of the idea of losing anyone else .

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#2 Heights
Another normal one . The thing about this one is I was never scared as a small child . I remember climbing trees etc.. And loving it. At some point around 6 the grade I think I developed a horrible fear of heights. I can’t even at and next to something tall and look up at it 😕 ,I’ll pass out , I learned that the hard way …

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#3 Never Enough
I’m not sure how normal this one is but I’m constantly scared that I’m not good enough. Not a good enough , Mother ,Provider ,Partner , Lover , Accountant, employee, Friend, Sister ,or just plane person . I never have enough time ,money, sleep, coffee….etc… I’m just constantly looking for someone to acknowledge that I am enough to someone , in someway, sometimes  ya know…

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So there you have it , thanks for taking the time to read . Feel free to share your worst fears in the comments .

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