A friend of mine shared a picture on facebook the other day that kind of struck a chord with me. I’ve decided to attempt to do it this year instead of the usual New Year’s resolutions, maybe this year I can finally just kill off all those bad habits once and for all, and end this battle that I have going on within myself.
All of the things that I would like to just kill off about myself, that I want to exist no longer. I need to grow up and mature past these things. Like a caterpillar into a butterfly, I’ve got to finally shed that old skin and claim my new self. I’m going to have to be completely honest with myself.
Fear, I never really understood how much fear has effected my life. There are so many thing I never bothered to even try because I didnt want to embarrass myself. What could have been if I’d been brave enough to tryout to be a cheer leader in Middle school? I bet I would have lived a much different life if I’d been one of “those” girls. Would I have turned out better? Thinner I bet, I’d be more fit etc….. But I may have turned out to be a snobby heart less twit. Would I still have the same cares and priorities in life that I do now?
What if I got up the balls to really try to get a promotion. I could maybe one day make some good money or maybe that would start a path to another opportunity I don’t see yet. Or to finally
What if I hadn’t been to scared to ever dance. So terrified of what I’d look like and how embarrassed I’d be. I almost feel like I’ve never allowed myself to truly let go and be myself. I honestly don’t know who I am.
Hatred/Anger , I have so much built up hatred. I hold grudges for far to long. There are still people that hurt me in elementary school I think of from time to time and feel that pain and hatred wash over me all over again as if it were fresh. This is not healthy I don’t want to live the remainder of my life letting fear and hatred lead my path. Forgiveness is something I’ve yet to learn. I’m going to have to conquer it or this is going to slowly eat my soul.
Gluttony
I allow myself to over indulge way to much. I’m only hurting myself by telling myself I deserve or have earned 2 slices instead of 1 of the pie etc….. What I deserve is a body and life I’m proud of, only I can make it happen. Nobody can hold my hand and make me do it.
Communicating with my loved ones is sometimes my biggest challenge. I have such negative self talk already that I live in fear of anyone else pointing out my flaws. ( right back to Fear!) It makes me feel like all those things that flow through my head in my darkest hours are actually true. I have spent my every waking moment trying to prevent these things from becoming real. When someone else says something that comes even a little bit close to what I’m already telling myself, I freak the hell out a little bit. It’s not rational. It’s that it just can’t be true, I can’t have lost the battle to be better, to finally be good enough. To make a long story short I just don’t take criticism well. Something else I would like to do away with about myself.
This can’t be just about killing off all of my bad habits /traits . I have to decide who I want to be, who am I really. If I wasn’t scared and angry all the time and actually believed in myself, what would I want to spend the rest of my life doing? It really is up to me, how happy I let myself be, verses how miserable I make myself. Why the hell am I making myself miserable when I have the choice to try for better, to put myself out there in every aspect of my life, and just fucking do it already. Why hang back in the shadows green with envy watching everyone pass you by when I could join in the Journey, and, enjoy it even. What’s the worst that can happen, nothing can be worse than never knowing myself. The journey is where ill learn those important things about myself. I could be truly great, but even if im not the next Mother Teresa, or the first women President, it can’t be worst than where I started.
2016 Goals
Face my fears slowly but surely. Step up and Stand out, let my voice be heard instead of being a scared little girl, I’ve got to put my big girl panties on and Chang my life before I let another opportunity pass.
I need to learn to let go of my anger, and learn to forgive. I’m only hurting myself holding in to every childish memory. I’m letting the ones that are trying to break me win by giving in to this. I have to overcome so many things in my past. So that I can continue on my journey.
Im going to learn to Communicate with others about my flaws without becoming defensive. My loved ones only want to help and god knows I need all the help I can get, right.
I won’t sit back in the shadows this year, I’m going to reach for the stars and make the things I’ve always been to scared to hope for happen! Even if things don’t turn out the way I hope I’ll be closer than ever before and better prepared for my next Journey.
RIP Paula of 2015
Looking forward to meeting the 2016 edition 😉
Paula_Unleashed 